Monday, June 7, 2010

Hev99 Week 5 Entry: On The Edge

Hev99's Choice: Pic 1

On The Edge

I stand on the edge of the world, my toes curled around the craggy rocks, which drop away into the valley below. The sun clings to the rocks and trees as it is dragged away, signaling the end of yet another day.

Another day without him.

The golden leaves on the trees shimmer and sparkle in the fading sunlight, giving the valley an ethereal glow as I stare at it, toes curled, arms outstretched beside me, poised and ready to fly.

My eyes close, as I sway precariously on the spot, the fading sunlight no more than an orange hue on the inside of my eyelids, highlighting the blood vessels there, carrying the blood around my body. The blood that keeps me alive, keeps me meandering on aimlessly from day to day.

Searching. Always searching. For a life that abandoned me the day he left, the day he said that he didn't want me, didn't need me anymore.

"Edward." The whispered name sounds like blasphemy on my frail, human tongue. My brow creases at the jolt of pain that flashes through me at the simple word.

They say that each journey begins with a single step. But whoever 'they' are, they do not say which direction the step should be taken, when you are standing on the edge of the world, staring into the infinite possibilities in front and ignoring the dark, empty void behind. They don't say which way to walk when all you can see ahead is darkness, loneliness, sleepless nights and endless days with nothing to break up the monotony.

If my sixteen-year-old self could see me now she would be appalled that I would allow a boy to make me feel this way. Strong Bella, independent Bella, perpetually single Bella would take one look at me and think 'who is this girl?' And she would be right. I don't know what I was thinking, allowing myself to fall so far, so quickly for a guy who was so clearly too good for me all along.

It should not have taken me by surprise when he stood there that day and told me it was all over, that he was leaving and taking my world with him. But it did. It brought me to my knees in surprise, then crashing down further and further until the world swallowed me up and left just a husk behind.

I close my eyes now against the onslaught of memories, which threatens to overwhelm me completely. My outstretched arms curl inwards reflexively, crossing protectively around my torso, holding together the pieces of what's left of me. Cracked, jagged pieces which snag and tear at tender flesh each and every time I allow a memory through the closely weaved net I've erected around my mind. But the net is breached, ripped and torn apart and the images hit me relentlessly, one after another, crashing over me like a tidal wave, dragging me deeper and deeper into the darkness until I can hardly breathe from the pain.

"You said it would be as though you never existed," I accuse to the valley below, my shout echoing off the bare rocks, repeating over and over until the trees in the distance absorb the sound.

"You lied to me, Edward. YOU LIED TO ME!" I am nearly screaming now, salty tears stinging my cheeks as my anger at his deceit tears me apart at the seams.

Looking down at the chasm beneath me, my eyes blurred from the tears which refuse to stop falling; I can see my salvation. The fall is far, hundreds of feet, with hard, jagged rocks at the bottom.

Nobody could survive that fall.

Nobody except...


I shake my head to stop myself from going there, and raise my eyes to the darkening sky. I don't know what I am looking for. Divine intervention? Lightning bolts from heaven? A message in the clouds? I don't know. Just something. Anything. But all there is, is an infinite, inky blue that stretches from horizon to horizon, interrupted only by a few stars, which twinkle lamely, trying to shine in the twilight sky.

My arms stretch out beside me once more, ready to fly. Freedom beckons below. Freedom from the memories, freedom from pain, freedom from him. Forever.

My eyes flutter closed as I allow myself to picture his face one last time. His ghostly pale, flawless skin, his perfect, marble lips and his smoldering, intense butterscotch eyes. As I take a deep breath, preparing to plunge down into the abyss I would swear I hear his voice, calling my name softly.

"Bella." His voice is soft velvet as it caresses the syllables of my name. My breath catches in my throat, the accuracy of my hallucination playing with the determination in my mind.

No, Bella. It's just a memory. He's gone. Long, long gone.

"Bella!" More insistent this time the velvet has gone, it has turned frantic.

Frantic isn't right. Frantic isn't how his voice should sound in my head. I want the smooth back.

I lean forward onto the balls of my feet; the anticipation of the fall makes my heart pound furiously in my chest. My arms fly up to the sky, ready to dive, when strong arms close around me, dragging me back from my salvation. The smooth voice cracks as it repeats my name over and over, as cool arms crush me to a familiar chiseled chest and a face burrows into my hair.

"Edward?" I question, my mind unable to reconcile the voice, the chest, the arms, the feel of his touch that I would know anywhere.

The face in my hair inhales deeply, and then exhales in a sigh, gentle fingers caress my cheeks as he pulls back and I stare into eyes that drip with molten honey. Then the velvet returns, all traces of panic lost as he croons my name, each letter that drips from his tongue reminds me of why I fell so hard in the first place.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. Forgive me, please?"

And I do. Because without him there is nothing. Nothing but the darkness and the loneliness. He is air and light, he is smiles and laughter, he is baseball in thunderstorms and piano melodies just for me. He is everything; there is no life, no love without him.

I nod as I burrow my face into his chest once more, my arms drawing a tight circle around his torso as his shirt soaks up the tears, which fall freely down my face. His arms hold me to him tightly and we are as we were destined to be. Two halves of the same whole.