Monday, January 23, 2012

Jessypt Week 88: Gone


Picture 1

Picture 2

Jessypt's Choice: Picture 1


“How long ago did you find her?” the officer asked.

I heard the question he asked, but I felt like my head was underneath water, or worse, like my whole body was trapped under a thick wet blanket and I couldn’t get out. Everything felt muffled and distant, with the exception of me. I felt cold. Bitterly cold as if the blood had suddenly frozen inside my veins.

Slowly, I turned my head and looked at him. I tried to lick my lips, to wet them so I could speak, but my mouth was dry. Bone dry. “What?” I croaked.

The officer squatted down in front me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “Sir, I know it’s difficult, but we need you to answer a few questions. Do you think you can do that? Is there anyone we can call?”

I shook my head, trying to clear it, to make sense of his words, as my eyes swept back to my wife’s body, lying on the floor.

I heard some shuffling and at some point a glass of water was placed in my hands. I sipped at it, mindlessly wondering how I could get a hold of our daughter. She was on her way to Europe for the summer, and just the thought of calling her and trying to explain that her mother was ...

I dropped the cup in my hand and crumpled down onto the floor, the numbness and confusion bearing down on me, crushing me, as the weight of reality and loss began to set in.

I heard whispers about next of kin and cause of death, but I couldn’t process what they were really saying. So, I sat there, my knees bent, head in my hands and prayed I’d make it through this.

After some time a police officer, one I hadn’t seen, helped me up and led me downstairs. I sat on the sofa and stared at nothing and everything. Pictures of our life, a pile of papers she’d brought home from the office, and her favorite purple blanket lay scattered around the room. It was overwhelming and not enough, and I wondered if I just closed my eyes if it would all go away.

The sound of someone calling my name jolted me awoke. I’m not sure when I fell asleep, but I sat up and roughly rubbed my hands over my face.

“Steven! Oh my God! What ha-how? I don’t understand ...”

I stared into my sister-in-law’s eyes and just shook my head.

“I don’t know. I just ... Lainey and I were going out to celebrate, and she wouldn’t ... I tried calling, but she didn’t answer her phone.” I sighed a deep shuddering breath. I felt my chest tightening, the burning prick behind my eyes. “The door was open,” I said, my voice barely a whisper as Jen’s fingers laced through mine and her arm wrapped around my shoulder. “I found her ... up-upst-” My throat closed up. All I could see were visions of her, lying on the floor, covered in blood. I willed the images to go away, but it was like my worst nightmare was replaying over and over again.

I squeezed Jen’s hand, and a sob broke loose, tearing through and eviscerating me from the inside out. I couldn’t survive this. I couldn't live without her.

Finally, empty and fully broken, I sat up and stared at the framed face of the woman I’d loved forever. She had always been there, waiting, supporting, loving, but as her name fell from my lips I knew she wouldn’t be able to save them. Not anymore.


kdc2239 said...

*sigh* so well written and so sad