Thursday, December 9, 2010

Burntcore Week 29: Seeking Truth


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Burntcore's Choice: Both

Seeking Truth

I sat in my apartment as I mulled over my meeting with Cory. I was still amazed over everything he had told me last Saturday. He still loved me, even after all this time. Even more so, it was what propelled him to finally seek treatment for his addiction. I still cared about him, I always would, but was a solid, successful relationship with him realistic?

The photo album I had flipped through before we met up rested on my coffee table. Before last Saturday, I couldn’t remember the last time I flipped through its pages. Now, I had that album opened so many times, it couldn’t collect dust. I was scared. Did I really want to start new? Or were these feelings just longing for what was? I felt like I had to find out, to know that I did all I could, but by doing so, I would be giving Cory the power to hurt me all over again. I had to see the truth.

When they were together before, all I wanted was for him to be sober. That was the one thing that I wished and prayed for every night. Now my wishes and prayers were answered. It was up to me to decide what to do with it. Cory told me what he wanted, but what did I want?

This kind of conversation I needed to have with Moira. Eileen and Joann were great friends, but Moira, she was my bestie. She and I had been friends for years. I met her in college, long before I met Cory. She was there that night at the Superbowl party when we went from just friends to something more. She was there every night when Cory chose the bottle over me. She was there to help me pick up the pieces when he left for the last time.

It was a Thursday afternoon. I was off of work from the Center that day and kept picking up my phone and putting it back down. I had been ducking Moira’s calls since Sunday. She knew I had planned on meeting with Cory on Saturday, and I’m sure she expected an immediate update. I just wasn’t ready to give it. I was still wrapping my head around everything. How could I explain it to anyone if I didn’t understand it completely myself?

Finally deciding that I had waited long enough, I grabbed my phone and thumbed open the dial-pad. A few moments later, Moira’s ringback tone played in my ear as I waited for her to pick up. She had recently changed her tone to something old school. I smiled as I listened to the song.

-Sometimes you feel, sometimes you feel, sometimes you feel just like a god
all of the things you're envying
no but you never worked so hard
and then you wake up with an empty gut
too bad you never got the not-

“Well, as I leave and breathe!” my best friend’s voice came over the phone, with just a hint of sarcasm.

She was familiar with my methods of coping. I tended to bury my head like an ostrich until I had a better handle of things. Some may consider this a method of avoiding, but I didn’t agree. I wasn’t avoiding anything, I just needed quiet time to contemplate and mull over the problem. When pressed, I could make a decision without giving it deep, in depth thought, I just preferred to look at all my options before making a decision when it was something important.

“Har, har, har, Moira,” I snipped with a smile in my voice.

“So how are you?” she asked.

“I’m good, going a little nuts, but good...I think.”
“Does this have anything to do with a certain dark-haired man that contacted you out of the blue last week?

I rolled my eyes. “You know it does.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?” she asked eagerly.

“I don’t know, what am I waiting for?” I retorted with a chuckle.

“You’re waiting for me to uncork the bottle of Shiraz I just happen to have and can’t drink myself. And I’m waiting for you to get your cute little tush over here so we can talk boys and whatever else.”

“Ah, but of course. I”ll be there in fifteen.”

We quickly hung up and I grabbed my bag, making sure I had my cell phone with me, and headed out the door. Moira didn’t live far from me so a Thursday afternoon trip didn’t take long at all. Parking in her complex was more difficult then the drive there. It seemed like every occupant of the complex owned at least two cars. Even during normal business hours, I had to drive around quite a bit to find an open spot.

By the time I had trudged up to Moira’s door, five floors up, she had her door open with a glass of wine in each hand. Once I passed the threshold, she handed me a glass and walked gracefully into her dimly lit living room. Candles of various sizes and colors were scattered about the room, producing a starry effect.

“Took you long enough,” Moira said as she plopped down on the cream leather couch.

“You know how the parking is in your building. I swear I think it takes longer for me to find a space than it does to actually get here.”

“It doesn’t take me long at all.”

“You live here... and you have this amazing parking space radar that I’m incredibly jealous of.”

“Yeah, well, there’s that,” she agreed with me, laughing. Moira took a sip of her wine and surveyed me from over the rim of her glass. “You gonna sit down or just stand there?”

I blushed slightly and walked over to a chair opposite of Moira and slouched down into the cushions. The wine swirled in my glass and I delicately sniffed the aroma.

“Oooh I know what we can do,” Moira squealed as she finished off her wine. She leaned over, craning her neck and one arm over the back of the couch. She grabbed the half-drank bottle of wine and a box. With a look full of anticipation, she topped off my wine and poured herself a full glass. There was enough in the bottle for one final gulp which she happily drank right from the bottle.

Moira set the bottle aside and reached for the box, gently opening it. “I just got this and I can’t wait to try it out on you.”

“Oh really,” I said with a little bit of interest, sitting up straighter in my chair. Moira always had something new or interesting.
“Yep, just got my very own crystal ball.” Moira said this just as she lifted the small glass ball from the box. It appeared to be about six inches in diameter. The interior of the globe seemed to sparkle and glow. Slowly, she placed it on the coffee table between her and myself. “Now, lets get started.”

“Moira, are you sure about this?” I asked dubiously.

“Aw, come on, Holly. This is just a bit of fun. Let’s see what happens.”

I shrugged and put my wine glass down. “What should I do?”

Moira slid forward and knelt between the couch and the table, reaching her arms out across the table towards me. “Give me your hands.”

With my hands firmly clasped in hers, she gazed at the crystal ball intently.

“Now, we are going to seek truth.”