Sunday, May 23, 2010

Bendingmirrors Week 3 Entry: Serenity

Pic 1:

Pic 2:

Bendingmirrors' Choice: Both


The light danced on the water. The deep blue and the choppy waves reflected back to me like some giant hand had carelessly scattered diamonds over a blue velvet covering. The ocean didn't always look like this, there were days that it could be downright frightening, but on days like today when the sun was shining, and I was in no rush to go anywhere or be anything for someone else I could simply sit here and appreciate the quiet of the moment.

Contentment was a new emotion for me. Chasing after Edward, trying to be the best possible fiancée for him, attempting to balance the demands of my own family and career against those of his residency at the hospital had brought more challenges than I had been prepared for. A life lived for others meant that I was always sacrificing myself.

The sacrifices had left me with little appreciation for the life I had, instead I saw only the darkness; the bad things that could happen to those around me. A patient death that upset Edward would become the focus of my dramas until the next 'big thing' came along and swept me along in its wake.

It took the birth of Alice's beautiful daughter to remind me that there are things in the world that will never happen unless you make time for them. That was the day that I stepped away from the drama button, and took a deep breath. I told the wedding planner to stop panicking about the off white linen napkins that had arrived instead of the cream ones that we had ordered. I doubted that anyone other than she and Alice would ever notice what color the squares of material that people wiped their mouths with were anyway.

I drove myself down to the waterfront, slipped my shoes off, and dangled my feet off the wharf into the cool, clean water. Sitting down here, with the sun shining, and the salty ocean breeze teasing my nose, I came to a realization. None of those petty things mattered. Edward's shirts could be less than perfectly pressed; he probably didn't notice or care. I didn't have to always beat him home, if there were major things happening at the paper then Edward would most likely understand. After all, he understood that some jobs do make a large demand on your time, and while my job might not involve saving lives, it was just as important to me as his was to him.

The wedding day would arrive whether I had wasted the time on choosing the perfect guest gift or devoted what time I had to myself and Edward. What really mattered was how Edward made me feel, and how I made him feel. I didn't want him to think that he would ever come second to something as stupid as party, so I allowed the wedding planner to do her job. She could wake up worried at 3am about napkin colors, if I was going to be awake at that time it would be because Edward had woken me while climbing into bed and you can be damn sure it would involve a much more adult pastime.

I have heard people say that we could never appreciate the good without the bad, and I think that I came to that realization the day that Rosalie was born. We all want to have a wonderful life where nothing bad ever happens, but the truth of the matter is, without a defined end point like death we could never appreciate a single day for its beauty. Without knowing the depths our soul can sink to, we can never feel the true beauty of our soul taking flight. The truly great thing about sitting here on the water and watching the world go by, is knowing that I almost missed it all by dwelling on the dark.

Leaning back on my hands, I lift my face to the sun, and listen for the footsteps that will herald Edward's arrival down here. He's not entirely sure why I've asked him down here, but I figure that the place where I really learned how to live would be the perfect place to tell him that we've created a new life.