Friday, March 25, 2011

SwedenSara Week 44: Reflections on Love


Picture 1

Picture 2

SwedenSara’s Choice: both

Reflections on Love

The young lovers neither see nor hear me as I step out on the mossy track behind them. They are too wrapped up in their own little world to pay any attention to random woman in an otherwise deserted forest. I’m envious of their budding love, of how they can hold hands in public without anyone gossiping or spreading snide rumours. I could never do that when I was young. It was a different time back then. The fumbling efforts to be noticed by someone special, the hopeful flirting, the thrill of realizing your feelings are mutual, the hesitant search for the other one’s hand... I never got to experience that. Sure, there was excitement when my family’s efforts to make Royce notice me paid off, but that wasn’t because I was in love with him. I was in love with the idea of a large society wedding, a mansion and a staff of housemaids and servants. By marrying Royce, I would get all of that. So silly - as if being served by a lot of people in a large house was more important than being loved by only one. I knew very little of love back then. I know more now.

It took me a long time to move past the cruelty I was a subjected to by Royce and his friends. My revenge gave me some relief, I can admit that, but I was convinced I would never be intimate with a man again - not by my own free will, anyway. Being as strong as I was gave me a sense of security that was crucial to my recovery. The fact that Edward wasn’t interested in me was quite a relief, even though it also hurt my self-confidence. I was used to being coveted, and even though I would have rejected him, I still wanted to him to want me. So shallow. The bitterness of never getting to experience the love and longing I saw between Carlisle and Esme permeated my entire being. I watched their loving embraces and affectionate touches during the days, and heard their passionate lovemaking at night. The possibilitity of ever being able to share that with someone had been taken away along with my virginity - or so I thought. When I found Emmett, I found not only love, but also lust. It took time, but with his fierce love and patient affection, I could finally enjoy a man’s touch again. Being with him hasn’t changed what happened to me, but it has made the scars easier to bear. Every moment of Emmett’s love fades them a little bit more.